You've been dumped

Your girlfriend is a human version of a banshee and the very thought of broaching the ‘honey, we have to talk’ topic gives you nightmares of shattered eardrums.
Alternately, you have a boyfriend who’s the real-life equivalent of the incredible hulk and you’re scared that the B-word (break-up, for the uninitiated) will ensure your bones are splintered into a million pieces.Or you’re just plain lazy or even plain chicken. There’s help for all of you. There now exist break-up agents who will do the job for you. In a bid to avoid the pain of ending a relationship, some Chinese have now reportedly resorted to outsourcing the responsibility to a middleman.
The only reason corporate downsizers (agents who do the job of firing people) were considered OK was because the dapper George Clooney played one of them in the movie Up in The Air. This ‘break-up agent’ concept is, however, downright bizarre. Prashanth Raghavendra, an internet security expert, opines, “Imagine the degree of atrophy that has set into the human race — one of the most genuine emotions in the world, love, needs to be called off by a middleman. If you don’t have the basic courtesy and guts to face up to your actions, what good is it calling yourself human? It’s a culture of cowardice being propagated in a milieu fixated with consumerism.”
In a world where few things are left private, artist Rayana Sait believes that such a concept would take besmirch the sanctity of relationships. “In the I-age, privacy is like a utopian dream and a meaningful relationship — break-ups et al — must be kept close to the heart. Involving a middleman would show poor character on your side. If you can’t handle a break up, don’t get into a relationship at all!” she fumes.
Imagine having a break-up agent turning up at your doorstep one morning, informing you that your partner has called it quits. Some people in the city say it might not be all that bad after all. Namratha Thomas, for example, who says, “It would at least be better than having your boyfriend SMS you saying he wants to end it, or even worse, imagine if he posted it on your social networking page (and I’ve seen this happen)!” Agreeing with her is student Mahalakshmi Venkat who gushes, “If the break-up agent also takes on the responsibility of handling the stalking, emotional blackmail, numerous teary calls, etc, that succeed most break-ups and perhaps even set us up with someone else, then I am sold!”
However, Ashwin Shreenivas, ad executive, concludes, “The real way to break up is just the same way you propose — do it yourself ! Middlemen will ruin chances of remaining friends. Overall, this concept has a total Made in China stamp — colourful and enticing but flimsy, whimsical and wrong.”
Take-a-break!
If you’re into the bizarre, here are some other break-up tactics just for your use:
-Tell your partner ruefully that you’re allergic to them and being with them would be a health hazard
-When he/she’s cutting a cake, ask him/her to blow out the candle and wish for a new boy/girlfriend
-Move on and just don’t let your partner know. Move to Scandinavia for a while, just in case...